Melding Mistakes, Mending Mistakes
by CutePoison333
Summary: Kirk and Spock got intimate together, but not all is happiness and romance as it turns out the both of them weren't and aren't exactly on the same page about things. The created issues have to be resolved as there is more to it than what two individuals want, or think they want. Sequel to Seal of Trust.
1. This Wasn't Supposed To Happen

_First three chapters I'd say qualify as T, but I believe chapter 4 had some contend that might qualify as M. To be safe I upped the rating for this story.  
_

_This story is a sequel to Seal of Trust. You don't have to read that one to be able to read this one however. I think the vital points of that story are sufficiently re-instated here in this chapter.  
For your pleasure however you may still choose to read that story. Let me warn you though that Seal of Trust is rated M because it pretty pornographic._

* * *

The box Spock had been holding slipped out of his hand rather than that he actually put it down. Standing with his back against a wall in his quarters he dug his nails in the cloth covering his outer-thighs. There was a slight stinging sensation in his eyes.

Spock was perfectly aware that he needed mediation to regulate his emotions, tune them down to a more acceptable level. However he had told Jim he would be back swiftly. Neglecting to do so would reflect negatively on their friendship and it was better to have Jim's friendship than to have nothing.

"I'm in control of my emotions," Spock spoke to himself, as if it would have more effect that way. Right after that he banged his fists to the wall his shoulders shocked and a sob escaped his throat.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Getting emotional. Getting hurt. Having sex with Jim. Melding with Jim. Seeing a promise of a wholesome future in Jim and then finding out he had been deceived.

"...Control of my emotions," he attempted vainly one more time before he stumbled over to his desk to sit down so that he wouldn't collapse on the spot. He had to cease this immediately! Experiencing an emotional break-down wouldn't only be a very shameful and unfavorable turn of events, it might also last even longer than it would have taken to meditate. He couldn't let Jim down. Jim's friendship was important. Jim had hurt him though, but Jim hadn't meant to. Jim had been foolish.

He brushed his hand over the edge of the desk. Days before he had lain there naked, vulnerable, giving himself to Jim. He should have known better! Jim should have known better! Jim was the captain of this Starship, he should know better than to have intercourse with subordinate officers.

No, it was incorrect to put all the blame on Jim. Spock himself had yielded to it and originally not even to make Jim his bondmate. Besides it had been Spock himself who had chosen to meld with Jim. Spock held at least equal blame for his state of mind right at that moment. Actually he held more blame as he was allowing his emotions to overwhelm him. Why was he being so emotional about this ordeal to begin with? For it was a fact that it was not something that could not be dealt with and solved.

Had it been his longing for a full bonding that had been much stronger than he had before realized that had caused this? Had it been suppressed thoughts about what would happen if his first Time would come? Had it been his loneliness? Or is it actually his body telling him that his Time is coming in the very near future and that he _needs_ Jim?

Spock started trembling when that last thought surfaced in his mind. With what had just taken place, he was fairly sure Jim wasn't up for a long time commitment and this was a commitment for life. However, a connection existed between them. They cared for each other. They had performed intercourse. They had melded. If the fever where to hit and he hadn't found a sufficient mate... If it were to... If the situation would become that disastrous there was no way of guaranteeing that his body wouldn't act on its own and take Jim, with or without consent. He could hurt Jim! He could be a serious threat to Jim!*

_Control yourself, Spock! _You are not sure that his theory is indeed the had other theories which are equally logical explanations. You need to meditate on it, but now is not the time. Now you must simply reboot, go back to basics. Don't be a failure.

"I am an officer," he spoke. _Good_, you _are_ an officer. What else? Spock breathed heavy and managed to stop a sob. _But_ what if it was the correct theory? What if it was his oncoming pon farr that led him to his earlier interactions with Jim in the first place? "...An officer."

What if he would go predatory on Jim? He would hurt Jim. The poor Human would be traumatized for life, if he would live. And Spock would shame himself. His family. His people. Spock would be hated by Jim's people. They would think him a monster. He would be spit out by everyone. Just like when he was a child. Worse than when he was a child.

Stop! _What else? _He demanded of himself.

"My duty. My duty is...," he couldn't get himself to remember. "...is," he felt a hand reaching up to his face to cover it. Such a Human gesture. "My duty is to..." _Jim_. To serve and protect Jim. No, not Jim! Yes, Jim too, but... His duty is "to..." _Jim. Jim! Jim! Jim! _

Spock buried his face in his arms. He shouldn't have melded. Now it's already happened.

"Too late," Spock murmured into his arms. "I'm sorry."

He rubbed his head over his arms. It was comforting.

"To... Two... You... Me... Jim," Spock mumbled on.

_[Elsewhere:]_

About twenty minutes had passed since Spock left to get rid of his box of romance with the statement that he would be back shortly. Kirk was now almost sure that something was up and was worried. He unconsciously shook his head.

It seemed unlikely for Spock, but the pattern was there: Jim had slept with him, he had thought that it meant they were in a relationship, Jim had burst the bubble, Spock had asked questions that were basically more sophisticated forms of 'are you kidding me?', then found himself an excuse to leave and he hadn't come back. If it were anyone else Kirk would have bet his captaincy over the Enterprise that they were upset, and maybe crying somewhere. However this was _Spock _from _Vulcan_.

But what if Spock was sitting alone being upset somewhere? He was half Human too. And it had seemed to Kirk like there was a shimmer of some emotion in Spock's _eyes_. And wasn't there something about Vulcans actually feeling more intensely? What if he had lost control over his emotions? And...

Okay, so let's say that Spock is actually upset and may be tearing up somewhere right now, what to do about it?

Kirk cared about this man. In the past he had had Uhura to comfort him. Right now, he would be _alone_ with _no one_ to comfort him. Kirk hated that idea. If a friend of his was in need of anything that he could provide, he wanted to be there for them.

But what if his presence, his coming to comfort Spock, would create further confusion about their relationship status, and thus further hurt? Or what if Spock just didn't want him there? You know, it wasn't entirely strange to not want to see the person that upset you. Nor was it unlikely that a Vulcan, or a half-Vulcan, didn't want anybody in their presence when emotionally compromised.

_Shit!_ He didn't know what to do. If only there was anybody he could ask.

_Uhura! _He could ask Uhura. She had been in a relationship with Spock for several months, if anyone knew, it was her. She would be mad as hell though. Their break-up had been the kind of 'we-still-care-for-each-other-deeply-but-our-relat ionship-is-no-longer-logical' kinda break-up. _Shit. _

Reluctantly Kirk reached over to his communicator.

"Captain," Uhura's voice came as a formal greeting.

"Hey, eh, Uhura, could you perhaps come to my quarters?" Kirk spoke.

"Oh my god, just because I'm no longer with Spock doesn't mean I will now suddenly-" Uhura sounded angry but firm.

"Oh, no, no, no! That would be _completely_ unprofessional of me now, wouldn't it?" Kirk joked, hoping to ease the atmosphere a bit. If Uhura would come to his quarters already angry like a queen bee whose nest had just been kicked over, he estimated his chances of not waking up to Bones' grumbling voice after telling her about Spock to be very slim.

"No, ehe," Kirk sorta laughed nervously, "I just need to talk to you, about Spock actually. We could use a conference room if that would make you feel better about it?"

There was a moment of silence and Kirk was very aware of how he made a swallowing motion in anticipation of what Uhura would say. It wasn't that she hated him, not anymore at least, but she was a strong woman whose claws would come out if she got the feeling anybody treated her with less respect than she deserved. This of course didn't mean she was a downright bitch, most of the time she was actually kind and caring. Kirk knew that she even cared about him in her own way. However some of the events in their past prevented their relationship from being completely smooth. And honestly, Kirk didn't blame her. Even though some time ago he had made a vow to never go after her again, it probably still radiated off of him that he thought she was one hell of a woman. Which was exactly the reason he had played an unsuccessful game of cat and mouse with her back in the academy.

"Alright, I'll be over in a minute. But if you try anything, I _will_ report you for sexual harassment."

Despite their regulation dresses being well, _pretty revealing_ Starfleet did respect their women and for a captain such a report was not something to look forward to.

* * *

* _I have begun writing a fanfiction that revolves around this situation, however at the moment I kind of put it aside. I am willing to continue, complete and upload it though, if there are enough people who would be pleased to read such a thing. So let me know if you are one of those people. Don't be mistaken however, that story will be dark and violent. It _won't_ be cute._

_On another note, as this story is much complexer than Seal of Trust I am considering working with one or several beta readers. If you are interested in that, please let me know about that as well!_


	2. Do Not Beat Him Up Too Badly

Credit to _R4v3n Kn1ght_ and _Daisukino_ for beta'ing. It's been helpful. (:

Also, right now I've used italics _solemnly_ for emphasis. I thought I'd better point that out, lest there'd arise confusion about it.

* * *

"You did what!?" Uhura's voice burst through the air. She had practically jumped out of her chair and was now, literally, looking down on Kirk.

"I know, I know, it was stupid and I am sorry about it, but-"

"No you _don't know_, Kirk! You practically asked him to marry you!"

Kirk didn't reply. 'Most intimate gesture my people can offer,'had already sounded bad enough, but to have Uhurarephrase it like that added a whole new layer to Kirk's guilt. If one thought about it like this, he pretty much left Spock standing at the altar. To accidentally do such a thing, he must be the biggest ass in the universe! Not to mention that it wasn't entirely unlike something he had done years ago.

He had been dating a wonderful girlthat was beautiful and smart and just right for him. Their half year anniversary was coming up and he had stayed up very late planning and preparing to set up everything in order to make her feel like a sun that illuminated his world. They had agreed that he would pick her up at 11.30 the next morning. When he woke up, however, it was 2:00 PM. Panicking he went to search for his communicator, which he, unfortunately, had left lying around downstairs. The poor girl had broken into tears as soon as she'd heard his voice. Half-crying she had yelled at him about how she had tried to reach him like a hundred times and had even driven by his house and rang the doorbell. She had yelled about how horrible he had made her feel and the whole shebang. And he? He hadn't even bothered to try and explain or make it up to her. He had felt so bad about how he had screwed up that he thought he deserved her anger. So they broke up.

"So, what do you plan to do now?" Uhura demanded, not as furious as before, but still with some anger in her voice.

"I don't know! I want to help him, I want to make it up to him, but I don't know what to do. That's why I asked you to come over."

Uhura took a deep breath. Her body relaxed some and her features lightened a bit.

"Where would the universe be if there were no women to clean up after the men?"

An insult hidden in a joke. Kirk didn't have the spirit to fire something back at her, so he just gave Uhura a sheepish grin.

"Alright, Kirk, I'll go check on Spock, see what he needs. Then I'm going to see to it that _any _request he may have that I think is reasonable _will _be granted by you." She said that last part mostly because she wanted to know that Kirk would do in all honesty, it wasn't likely Spock would ask for anything. She was satisfied when Kirk frantically nodded. She herself then nodded in acknowledgment before beginning to pace out of Kirk's quarters.

"Thank you," Kirk mumbled at her. To which she replied, without turning around to look at him or even stop her motion: "I'm not doing this for you; I'm doing this for Spock."

Once outside Uhura wondered, _had she been too harsh on Kirk? _He had seemed pretty beaten up by the issue. Then again, maybe that's what it took for him to learn something from it. Though she did note to herself that if Kirk seemed distracted on the bridge the next day, she should perhaps hint at Dr. McCoy that he should go hang out with Kirk after their shifts. Hopefully he could then help to push him in the right direction, and if that was not possible, make him feel better. For Uhura found that even if it turned out Kirk had hurt Spock, there was no good in having him feel bad just for the feeling bad. Two wrongs don't make a right.

_[Elsewhere:]_

Spock's eyes fluttered open as he heard someone entering his quarters. In a graceful motion he abandoned his meditating position and stood up to meet Kirk properly.

"I apologize for not returning as soon as I had implied that I would. I found it wise to take some time to enter into a meditative state, so that-" Spock stopped when he noticed it hadn't been Kirk entering his quarters, but Uhura.

"Spock," she said with a tender smile, her eyes darting over him to see if there was but the smallest sign that could give away anything about how he was feeling. His hair was disheveled. That was extraordinary.

"Nyota," he acknowledged.

Uhura stood looking at him for a moment or two longer before speaking. "How are you doing?"

"I am in good health."

He stood there stiffly, his face blank. Uhura took a deep breath. With him this way, it was going to be a hard task to find out if Spock could be trusted to be okay. After all, when he was acting like this the differences between him being in control of his emotions and just pretending to be, where almost too subtle to notice _even for her_. This was scarcely odd, because both involved him not showing his emotions and acting especially typically Vulcan.

"You know that is not what I meant by that question. I talked to Kirk and he told me about what went on between the two of you. So please, I am asking you: How are you feeling?"

"There is no need to worry about me. I am Vulcan. I am in control of my emotions."

Uhura decided to use the small bond that still existed between them to try and peer into his mind. She had a certain feeling that his avoidant way of talking, implied that she had actually good reason to worry about him. However, her efforts were to no avail, as he was clearly shielding his mind form hers.

"Then tell me that you are not upset. No spinning around it. Just tell me," she demanded.

"You are no longer my 'girlfriend' nor are you my superior in any way, I have no such obligations to you."

Uhura's eyes widened and her mouth slightly parted. It was hard to believe Spock had just said that to her.

"It's not about obligations. It's about me trying to help you. It's about trust, Spock. I thought there was a certain amount of that between us."

Spock lifted his hands up, but left them lingering in mid-air for a moment as if doubting the gesture he had started. He then laid his hands on Uhura's upper arms.

"There is," he stated, but his voice was low as if he was afraid there was another in the room who might hear and wasn't supposed to. "I simply do not wish to discuss my feelings at this moment, because I fear that if I do they will overwhelm me."

Uhura raised a hand in front of her mouth. Then, before Spock could stop her she sort of dove forward and embraced him.

Spock was a bit startled by the sudden embrace, but then quickly relaxed to it. He even wrapped his arms around Uhura to return it. The comfort and compassion that radiated off of her were... _pleasant_.

They stood there in silence for a while before they both broke away.

"Shall I tell Kirk that you aren't going to come back tonight? You could probably use some rest now."

"I do feel worn down... Yes, I do believe I would like for you to inform the captain about me canceling the remainder of our appointment."

Uhura nodded and brushed her hand over Spock's arm in a comforting gesture once more.

"But please, do not 'beat him up too badly', as I believe the Earth saying goes."

She smiled and nodded. No, there was no need for that anymore. Kirk had gotten the deserved amount already.

* * *

**270713:** Don't worry dear readers, I even though I haven't updated this story for a while now, I will continue. It is just that the following chapter is a tad more complex to write as well that I've also been been busying myself with other tasks. On top of that it's been Vulcanly hot around here, tuning down my productivity rate.  
I sincerely apologize and I hope you'll stick around for the next chapter.


	3. Standard

_**Author's Log:**__ Stardate whatever... I most certainly never intended for the wait between chapters to be this long. It feels like forever since I updated. Though, I must make note that my sense of time has been compromised by a phenomenon called 'summer vacation'. _  
_I wanted to construct a little mission chapter to have something in between of chapter two, and what will now be the contents of chapter 4, because both have a kinda sulky 'omg I'm so confused and I hurt Spock and I didn't mean to and now I kinda feel sad'-Kirk. Which gave me the feeling that I was going out of character with him (he hardly ever seems down for prolonged period of time, right?)._  
_Whilst I decided that I had no idea what I got myself into. Writing something like this was most certainly much more complex than writing two-person interaction focusing on ro_mance (or lack thereof)._ 'T was a good practice though._  
_Also: I must have lost two entire evenings simply because I gave Scotty some lines in here and I insisted of making an attempt to actually write in his accent._  
_Finally, many thanks to my betas _R4v3n Kn1ght_ and_ Daisukino _who have my back when I make stupid mistakes or want to construct impossible sentences. (:_

* * *

Since her initial conversation with Spock, Uhura had had several more about the subject. These had been more successful than the first, as Spock regained a lot of his emotional control about the subject and had therefore found himself more capable to talk about it. However, some things still remained unsaid, partially because Spock found them to be too emotional in nature to discuss.  
A couple of days ago Uhura had finally managed to ask Spock the question that had been lingering on her mind for a while: did he wish to pursue anything more with Jim? His eyelids had lowered, though not shut, and he had remained silent for what seemed to be ages. Then, he had finally answered her: "_Uncertain."_

Uhura focused her mind again on her job when she heard the message, which she had missed in its entirety, would be repeated once more.

"They've informed me that their shields are now down," she said, swinging her chair around to look at her captain.

"Thank you, Uhura," Kirk replied. "Bridge to transporter-room. Shields are down. Do you have the coordinates?"

"Aye, Sir, ready to beam doun the cargo for the trade," Scotty answered.

"Please go ahead, Scotty," Kirk permitted him.

"Beamin' doun now," came the confirmation.

Then for a few moments communications between the bridge and the transporter-room went silent.

"Sir," came Scotty's reluctant voice, "thare appears to be a problem."

"What's the problem?" Kirk inquired.

"Cannae beam up the crystals, though nothin' seems to be wrong on our end."

"Their shields are up again, Captain," Spock commented.

"That shouldn't be," Kirk replied. "Uhura please contact our trading partners again to ask them what they think they are doing."

"Captain, they say that they've put their shields back up on purpose."

"Put me in direct contact with them," Kirk told Uhura.

After Uhura signaled that she had done as he had asked, Kirk spoke, "This is Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise," "Are you aware that we haven't been able to beam up the crystals yet?"

"We are aware, Captain," came the reply.

"So could you please lower your shields again so that we can? I think it would be preferable to everyone if you would just hold up your end of the deal," Kirk said with a rather demanding tone. His patience for this wasn't very high. There were more important things going on in the universe for them to tend to. This simple trade shouldn't keep them lingering here wasting their time!

"The deal is off," the other party stated.

"Oh, and you only manage to inform us about that _after_ we've beamed down your goods?" The irritation now clear in Kirk's voice.

"This deal was negotiated months ago," Spock cut in and added.

"We apologize for that. You see, we were robbed recently. The crystals are gone and so were most of the materials we need to survive. We desperately needed the supplies you sent us. We saw no other way."

Before Kirk could answer, Spock spoke: "In that case, am I right to assume that we are welcome to beam down some of our crewmembers to investigate your claims and gather evidence against the thieves?"

"Yes, the Enterprise could assist in catching the individuals responsible," Kirk added.

There were a few moments of silence, then there were muffled voices on the other side of the connection and then finally came a reply: "Er, we guess that would be okay. Thank you."

"Some of us will be down there shortly. Enterprise out."

Kirk squeezed the arms of the chair before standing up. Their trading-partners were either lying or hiding something, most likely both. He started making his way off the bridge, determined to get to the bottom of this _himself _as quickly as possible, and see to it that proper action would be taken.  
Spock got up from his science station and followed Kirk to the turbolift.

"Captain, permit me to come with you as part of the away team," he requested.

"Very well, I could use some of your patience," Kirk commented before stepping into the turbolift.

Once inside Kirk got out his communicator. Firstly to ask Scotty to prepare to beam them down, and secondly to request two people from Security to come with them.

Spock looked at Kirk from the corner of his eyes. There was much he wanted to say, but as he found himself incapable of finding the proper words, as well as that _now _would be an illogical moment to have the kind of conversation he desired, he chose not to speak. He cleared his mind, focusing on the mission at hand. It seemed that the captain was in the mood to act especially irrational, and he wanted to see to it that the situation around the trade would not escalate by any improper action or comment stemming from the captain. Silently they went to the transporter-room. Upon their arrival they acknowledged the men from Security with a polite nod. Spock knew them to go by the names of Johnson and Miller.

"Ready?" Montgomery Scott broke the silence after all men had gone to stand on the pad.

"Energize," the captain replied.

Once they were materialized on the surface of the planet, they quickly took in their surroundings. Soon after they were met by, what appeared to be, two men. It was the first time they saw the physical appearance of their trading partners. Their skin was blue and their heads seemed to be shaped in such a way that it vaguely resembled a hexagon. They had large black eyes with long lashes and their ears, which were positioned more on top of their heads rather than to the sides, somewhat resembled that of Earth mice and were writhing.

Spock turned study the way the humans that were accompanying him reacted to seeing these life forms. The facial features of all three men softened. Kirk was even displaying a smile.

Looking back at the creatures again, Spock felt no different from how he felt before. He still saw them as the life forms that had failed to send them the crystals as had been agreed upon and were possibly trying to deceive them about the theft they had mentioned.

"Captain," Spock attempted to get Kirk's attention. Spock was under the impression that if he didn't break the spell the life forms seemed to have over the captain, soon would there be a command that everyone should beam back aboard the Enterprise and leave the matter without second guessing it until they were light-years away from here.

After a few seconds Kirk tore his stare away from the alien life forms to cast a dazed glance at Spock. Spock decided then that he needed to take control over the situation.

"Welcome," one the life forms addressed them.

Spock gave them a polite nod while the others continued staring, gaping, _adoring_.

"Please come further," it continued and the other of them waved an arm in the direction of a doorway through which they then left. The Enterprise crew members followed them. They were led through a corridor that finally ended up in a large glass dome.

Inside the dome the floor was soft. It made it more difficult to walk for Spock and the others. The unidentified life forms however, seemed to have no trouble pacing perfectly straight.

Having reached the center of the dome the creatures turned around and looked them straight in the eye.

"Please sit and make yourself comfortable. We will be back shortly," one of them spoke.

The others seemed happy to indulge but Spock sat down reluctantly. He hadn't protested as he wasn't entirely sure of the purpose of them being asked to stay here. It seemed to hold them off from what they were supposed to do down here, yet there was the possibility that these life forms always asked their visitors to do this. It wasn't wise to disturb rituals other life form's rituals when one was unaware of their meaning and importance. So Spock decided to remain patient for now and wait for their return.

Approximately a minute and thirty-six seconds after the creatures had left, Kirk blinked his eyes three times in a row and then looked around with more clarity. Spock concentrated on trying to read Kirk's facial expression. It seemed that the captain was confused.

"Spock... What are we doing here?" Kirk asked.

"We beamed down on the planet surface to investigate our trading-partner's claims as to them being robbed and therefore unable to give us the crystals as negotiated," Spock answered.

"Yes, I know that... but what are we doing here in this room? How did we get here?"

"The unidentified life forms didn't inform us about the purpose of us staying in this room."

"They took us prisoner?"

"It doesn't seem so."

Kirk still looked confused. He slowly stood up and wandered around for a few steps, before turning back around to give Spock a stare.

"Captain, you seem disorientated."

"Hell, Spock, I'm very disorientated. I don't remember anything between when we got down here and now!"

"Fascinating," Spock commented. _Yet alarming_, he mentally added. He theorized that the presence of the unidentified life forms had the effect of putting Humans in a trance. In that state the Humans were largely unaware of what they were doing and there was also the possibility of their minds being receptive to obeying the very same life forms that had put them in that mind-set.

Meanwhile Kirk was questioning the men from Security whether they had had a similar experience. Their symptoms seemed to match up.  
Kirk then turned to Spock. "How about you, Spock? You got any memory loss?"

"None, captain," Spock replied.

"Shit. We have to contact Bones," Kirk concluded.

Spock reached for his communicator, but before the purpose of the movement could be fulfilled, the alien life forms re-entered. Their number had now increased to five members. As the Humans turned to look at them, once again that vacant expression came over their face. Spock himself was still left unaffected.

He considered establishing contact with Dr. McCoy still to inquire about his opinion, or with Mr. Scott to beam the Humans back up. However, doing so would almost certainly offend the other life forms, therefore making their cooperation even less likely and thus further complicating the mission. Asking for a moment of privacy and catching up with the rest later in order to contact Dr. McCoy would mean the Humans would be left unsupervised, which in their current state, wasn't wise. Therefore, Spock decided to continue as before unless something drastic would take place.

"We shall now go on to show you the religious establishment of our small colony, as we are very proud of it and happy that the thieves never managed to get in there," one of the life forms spoke.

Kirk drowsily nodded. The Security men got up and ready to follow. Spock too stood up and straightened his uniform, though he wasn't so ready to mindlessly follow.

"We do not mean to show you any disrespect, but it is a fact that any moment we wait longer decreases the chances of the thieves being apprehended. would be more logical if you would continue to show us the 'crime scene' immediately," Spock cut in. If these beings were as logical as Vulcans, it would now have been clear that the story of the thieves was either a fabrication or that their priority simply wasn't with the stolen goods. However, there was no way of knowing how logical, or illogical, these beings were. Mystery continued to cloak the situation.

The alien life forms cast each other a glance. Spock kept his face straight as they seemed to carry out a silent argument. _Were they telepaths?_

"Very well," one of them finally spoke.

[o]

"There seems to be no sign of forced entry," Spock analyzed out loud after they had been brought to one of the storage rooms that was supposedly robbed. "There seems to be not a single item left behind, and none of the shelves have been overthrown. This indicates that said thieves must have either had a large amount of time or weren't afraid of getting caught."

Spock then walked over to one of the shelves to examine it more closely. The other life forms followed him close behind, and thus so did his Humans. Security Officer Johnson stood right beside the shelf in front of which Spock stood.

"Fascinating," Spock commented as he thought he saw a thin grey layer made of something softer than sand covering the shelf.

He darted his eyes around to notice the same thing on all the nearby shelves. He reached out his hand to touch the substance, to hopefully be able to better identify it. Brushing over the shelf, the substance flew into the air, causing Johnson to reflexively cover his eyes. Spock spun around abruptly at the realization of what this substance was and what that indicated.

"This is dust," he commented simply. He moved his hand closer in the vicinity of his phaser in the most subtle way he could manage.  
"Alright, it's over! They figured out it was a scam! We're done," one of the creatures yelled at the others as he maneuvered a weapon, which he had somehow managed to conceal up until then, from under his clothes.

The split-second it took for the alien gun to energize, the blinded red-wearing Johnson proved that Starfleet's investment in him hadn't been in vain. Having his ears pick up the familiar sound of a weapon energizing, the Security Officer's training had kicked in. He reached for this phaser and fired slightly above the source of the sound. The other life form fell to the ground; stunned.

Spock reacted quickly, dragging the second Security Officer and his captain into cover. He was too late to grab Johnson as well, and pitifully had to watch one of the life forms still standing fire his weapon at the crew member. To Spock's surprise, however, the crew member wobbled on his feet and turned very pale for a few seconds, but seemed otherwise unharmed.

"Enough! This isn't worth it! Let's just give them the crystals!" one of the creatures shouted at the one that seemed to hold some form of authority over all of them.

"Alright," it responded. "Everybody please cease fire."

Cautiously Spock got out of cover. He scanned the creatures for a moment. They were putting their weapons away and tending to the one that was on the floor.

"The setting on the weapon that my crew member used hasn't been lethal on any of the life forms we have encountered thus far. The effect should only be temporary," Spock informed the creatures before tending to his own shot crew member.

"Are you in need of medical assistance?" he asked him.

"No, I seem to be... fine, Sir," Johnson answered.

"That is satisfactory to hear. Please continue to cover your eyes."

"I will, Sir."

"You will give us the crystals now?" Spock asked, turning back to the creatures.

"Yes, you caught us in our lie and your weapons seem to have advantage over ours. Not simply giving you the crystals now would only unnecessarily put lives at stake."

Spock remained cautious, as the creatures had now clearly proven themselves to be untrustworthy there was no guarantee that they wouldn't try anything else.

"Would you grant me a moment to tend to my captain and other crew member?" Spock requested. "It seems that the sight of your species has an unusual and undesired effect on their behavior."

"As you wish," the leader of the creatures replied.

Spock went back to where Kirk and Miller were still sitting on the ground, kind of glimpsing at the creatures with foolish smiles.  
"Captain, please cover your eyes. It is for your own good," Spock said.

Kirk didn't react other than turning his body to get a better look at the creatures.

Spock considered wrapping his own hand over his captain's eyes or picking up his captain's hand to place it in front of his eyes manually. However, Spock found that the possibility of skin to skin contact with Kirk causing an emotional response within himself, which would be most ill-timed, to be too high to risk it.

So instead he did something which he would otherwise have strongly objected. He took off his blew Science shirt, leaving him in the tight-fitting black under-shirt, and tore off one of the sleeves. At that moment, it was only _logical_. Carefully, he slipped the improvised blindfold around his captain, making sure not to touch him. He then went to repeat the process on Security Officer Miller.

"Huh, what's going on?" Kirk questioned, coming back to himself after a moment and trying to remove the blindfold.

"Captain, do not. It is essential for you to function properly in the presence of the beings from our trading-arrangement," Spock warned him.  
He watched as the two Humans struggled to their feet. He reasoned that if they would have had severe difficulties he would have helped them up, but they seemed to manage so he chose to stand back and avoid touching them.

"Please follow after my footsteps and my voice," Spock instructed his Human colleagues.

From there on their mission went without further complications. The other life forms did as they had said and led them to the crystals. Soon after Scotty had locked on their coordinates and beamed the party of four back up alongside the crystals.

However, Spock was left with the thought that something wasn't right. He kept on going over the entire encounter in his head and something _just didn't quite add up_.

The moment they materialized at the transporter pad of the Enterprise it came to him bright and clear.

"We should all report to medical immediately. Contact with anyone else aboard should be avoided completely," he said.  
"Pardon me, Mr. Spock, but I believe that's up for me to decide," Kirk said.

Kirk was grateful that Spock had stepped in and taken over down at the planet, because he himself had been unable to command in the state he had been in. That was part of why First Officers were there. He didn't mind Spock helping and advising when he saw fit either. However, when Spock did things like this, completely passing him by as if not he but Spock was (still) captain, Kirk took offense. And on top of that, this time it had caught him off-guard too, because Spock hadn't done anything like it in quite some time.

"Captain, I have good reason to believe that the unidentified life forms have contaminated us with some sort of disease," Spock argued.

"What? You mean because they had an enchanting effect on our _Human_ brains when we saw them? Clearly the effects of that vanish soon after we stop looking at them as you proved with your shirt-sleeve blindfolds," Kirk replied brashly. Kirk stopped himself just in time from throwing the patch of fabric in Spock's face, realizing that such a thing was too much for this situation; Spock hadn't technically done anything _wrong_.

"Possibly, but also -" Spock never got further than that as Security Officer Johnson, the one that had been shot, suddenly dropped to the floor. Spock looked at the man now on the floor and then back to his captain. He raised an eyebrow as if to say _'told you so'_.

[o]

Rushing into sickbay Dr. McCoy burst out in laughter when he saw Jim and the others come in. He knew it was unprofessional and completely unfit at the moment, but there was just something hilarious about seeing Spock with a Starfleet shirt that had its sleeves torn off and a man slumped over his shoulder.

"Damnit, when you alarmed me you were comin' and told me to get all dressed up like this, you could have warned me also that Spock would be looking like a caveman," he half-laughed. Spock's face remained unchanged.

_ "Bones!"_ Kirk called him to discipline. "This is a serious situation. We have no idea what's wrong with this guy."

"All three Humans on the team seemed to slip into a certain trance when they saw the appearance of the life forms we met down on the planet. Though this man alone was shot by an unidentified weapon in their possession," Spock explained.

"Was there any damage?" McCoy asked as he helped place the seemingly unconscious man on the biobed.

"When the weapon made impacted his body he became pale and stood unsteadily on his feet for a short moment of time, but there were no visible physical injuries. He also didn't report feeling unwell when asked after his complexion had returned to its customary shade," Spock reported.  
"I think we'd best contact those beings and ask them about it," Kirk uttered.

"Jim, there's also a good chance that this man went unconscious because of somethin' that had nothin' to do with them or their colony," Bones argued.

"Couldn't hurt to ask," Kirk fired back.

"Captain, they have proven themselves untrustworthy. Contacting them is likely to do more harm than good," argued Spock against Kirk.

Kirk's anger was starting to show on his face. Technically Spock was just doing his job as First Officer of the Enterprise by suggesting better routes of action to his captain whenever he thought there were any; but he was doing an _annoying _job. At least that was what Kirk thought at the time.

"Well, from the readings I've been gettin' so far our man doesn't seem to be in a life-threatening situation at the moment. I suggest we wait for the rest of the scans to be completed to see what's wrong. If there's anythin' that suggests it's those alien weapons eating away at his insides or some disease originating on that planet, then we can still decide to contact them. But it's your call, Captain," McCoy said. Knowing his friend, he'd added the last bit to get him in a gentler state of mind. Jim and Spock were often a great duo, but sometimes they could be each other's worst enemies. From experience, McCoy knew that one thing that could help prevent Jim from turning such a moment into a full-scale fight was being given the feeling that people still believed in him as an authority figure and respected his command.

"Yeah, eh, Bones that is a good idea. Do that for me," Kirk decided.

[o]

Little over forty-five minutes later, chaos had taken over the Medical department of the Enterprise. The situation around Security Officer Johnson had severely worsened. He seemed to be the victim of a disease that attacked the central nervous system. It looked like that, would they let the disease run its natural course, it would stop the beating of the heart. Johnson would die.

Worse yet, it was discovered that the other security man and Kirk also carried the disease. It was uncertain whether or not Spock did. Neither was there any certainty as to whether or not the disease would become aggressive on them as it had on Johnson, who, by the way, was now almost in the presence of death. How long it would take before that would happen was even a greater unknown.

Absolutely no one was to come in contact with any of the men that had beamed down to the surface without wearing a protective suit that would, at least as far as they were concerned, prevent further contamination.

Montgomery Scott and two other crewmembers that had come into contact with had also been called to Medical to be examined.

A third attempt to establish contact was made, and this time the other life forms answered the request.

"Aaah, Enterprise, what is it you want now?" the voice positively purred.

"What do you think we want? We want to know why the man your people shot is now dying!" Kirk spat out.

"Captain, don't you think you should address the people who might hold the cure with a little bit more respect?" the voice retorted, though its owner seemed more amused than angered. It was almost as if he was mocking Kirk.

"Fuck that," was the beginning of what seemed to going to be an angry rant filled with a very high amount of unsophisticated words.  
Spock shot McCoy a glance and accompanied it with an unemotional as ever '_doctor?_'.

McCoy seemed to grasp Spock's intentions perfectly fine nevertheless and grumbled, producing sounds that didn't _quite_ qualify as words. Jim was going to hate him for this one. As his friend, McCoy knew that much. However, it was because he was Jim's friend that he could even get away with what he was about to do in the first place.

"This is Commander Spock of the Starship Enterprise, I shall proceed to talk in my captain's stead," Spock uttered the moment Dr. McCoy slammed a sedative in the form of a hypospray into the captain's neck.

"Since we have beamed back to our ship the man that was targeted with one of your weapons has fallen into a critical state. My captain assumed that there was a relation between the one and the other. Is there any chance that there is truth to his assumption?" Spock went on, attempting his best diplomacy.

"Tell me, Commander, have you seen any signs that the condition is progressing on anyone else aboard your ship?"

"Affirmative."

"How about the one with the pointy ears? He seemed to react differently on the whole."

"Our physicians are unsure about my status," Spock replied coolly.

"Oh, so it is you?"

On Spock's face the ghost of a frown appeared for a minute amount of time. The other life form spoke as if he found something about this situation humorous, but to Spock the joke was lost even more than the jokes of the Humans he was surrounded by.

"Indeed," he simply said. "Would it be satisfactory for you now to answer my earlier inquiry?"

"Hah! Well, yes, I do believe it is safe to assume that there is a relation to our little gun fight and your man getting sick."

"As we have dissolved our earlier problems regarding the crystals, would you assist us in rectifying the health compromise we have encountered?"

Then the other life form broke into laughter, or more precisely, _he chuckled_. Highly inappropriate, Spock thought just before his attention was diverted by his captain's breathing suddenly becoming highly irregular.

Dr. McCoy rushed over to Kirk and shot worried glances between the readings on the panel of the biobed and those on his tricorder.

"Dammit," he muttered, followed by a: "He's going down."

"Can or can you not offer us assistance in finding a cure?" Spock asked, now more demanding. Admittedly, even though it would make things easier for Spock if Kirk would be '_out of his way'_, having to end his day by taking command of the Enterprise over Kirk's dead body wasn't exactly a situation he welcomed. Besides, as long as Kirk was Spock's Captain it was his duty to do his best to protect him and Spock wouldn't have one James Tiberius Kirk emotionally compromise him again to the point that he would publicly act unprofessionally.

"Well, we cannot say for sure if it will work on your species, but seeing as the testing of our bio-weapons was successful, we'd find proceeding to test our presumed cure to be... tempting."

Spock's sensitive ears picked up the one remaining member of the away-team that was still up, beside Spock himself, expressing his utter bewilderment about how they had apparently been fooled to walk into a trap set up to test some freaky alien bioweapons. Spock shot the man a glance to warn him that he should remain quiet.

"Your choice of words suggests that you are not entirely convinced to do so, nevertheless," Spock stated.

"Yes, very observant, _Commander._"

"Then what would convince you to act in our favor?"

"We would like those crystals back."

"Done," Spock spoke without so much as a second of a pause.

[o]

The remainder of the day had been very stressful, but in the end it was a relief that the cure offered by the other life forms had indeed been effective. It had also been a relief to find that the life forms hadn't attempted to play them any further tricks.

Spock stepped out of the turbolift to be faced immediately by the piercing blues of his captain. He had hoped to be able to make it to his quarters without this encounter, but it seemed that was now no longer a possibility.

Word had made the rounds that once the captain had woken up, he had quite freely expressed exactly how he felt about Dr. McCoy and Spock teaming up to have Spock 'take care of the situation'.

The likelihood of these reports being exaggerated was high, but nevertheless Spock had found it wise to avoid his captain until more time had passed for him to have been able to 'cool down' sufficiently.

"Captain," Spock acknowledged.

"Spock," Kirk returned.

There was a moment of silence between them. Spock waited patiently, studying the body language of the Human to conclude that he didn't seem angry at all. Though, there was also a chance that this was what was referred to as _'the calm before the storm'_.

"I know I don't always show my appreciation for you enough, but Spock, you did great today, okay? I mean, it is bad enough that we lost that one crewman, but without you stepping in when you did, it could have been much worse. …Thank you."

"It was only logical," Spock replied without moving any one more muscle of his face than strictly necessary.

"How did you even suspect their scheme advanced even beyond trying to make us believe the crystals were stolen from them?" Kirk asked.

"There were several clues, but the most conspicuous was how they spoke in Standard, when the content of their speech would normally be meant for their ears alone. After ruling out the possibility that they were incapable of realizing the tactical advancements of temporarily retreating to their native language for a few specific interactions among themselves, I came to the conclusion that they had _wanted _us to hear what they were saying."  
A tiny little voice in Spock's mind nagged that going on to say that the captain would have deduced the same hadn't his attentiveness been compromised would be desirable, but Spock crushed that voice _hard_ and _fast_.

"Well, you did a great job there," Kirk spoke finally, gave Spock a friendly slap on the arm and walked passed him to make his leave.

For an instant Spock felt sincere gratitude, relief and even a pinch of admiration. Then the Captain had removed his hand from Spock's arm and the feelings were gone.

[o]

Since Uhura had asked Spock about whether or not he wanted to be with Kirk, and he had answered her with _'uncertain'_, another question had been swimming in her mind. She posed it to herself yet again: would _I_ be okay with them being together? She shifted it in her mind a couple of times, and found that her answer was the same as the one Spock had given her: _'uncertain'_.

Nevertheless, she was on her way to try and gather information that could possibly help Spock, should he indeed choose to attempt to draw Kirk into being in a serious relationship with him.

The doors shifted open and she found who she had been looking for exactly where she had hoped to find him.

"Quite a day, huh?" she asked casually, strolling over.

"Yeah, good thing Spock insisted that the whole away team should be isolated and given a thorough medical check-up immediately. If it had gone unnoticed things could have gotten a whole lot worse," he glanced up from his PADD that he had been looking at whilst fiddling with the sheets of the nearest biobed.

"Are you ill? Do you need anythin'?" he then asked her, doctor's instinct.

"No, I just came to talk," she replied.

Dr. McCoy narrowed his eyes. Most of the time when anyone came wandering into Sick Bay claiming to 'just want to talk', that meant they had medical concerns that they were embarrassed about. He set himself down on the bed, trying to convey an 'I'm ready to listen'-attitude.

"It's okay, I'm a doctor. You can be honest with me," he said in a reassuring tone.

Uhura stared at him for a moment and then started laughing quietly, realizing what he was implying.

"No, really, I am fine. I didn't come to talk to you as a doctor, I came to talk to _you_," she clarified.

McCoy frowned. Why would Uhura want to talk to him off-duty? She had plenty of friends to sustain her social needs, and if she was going to try to get it on with him, then God knows, he wasn't interested. It wasn't that she was not good-looking - _she was_- but since his marriage with his ex-wife had gotten so shitty that she had felt the need to divorce him and take his everything, he considered himself done with getting entangled in romantic relationships.

He looked around feeling a little nervous (but managed to successfully conceal that), and tried to find some sort of excuse to get himself out of there. At the far end of the room there was a nurse who was looking at them curiously, but quickly pretended she had been busying herself with something else when she noticed he was looking back.

"Eh, yeah, anythin' specific you want to talk about?" he asked. He also glanced back down at his PADD, trying to give the impression that he had things to do.

"Yes, actually. You and Kirk are good friends right?"

Dr. McCoy tore his eyes away from the PADD, surprised. He then allowed a small smile on his face and went to sit in a slightly more comfortable position. Now that he had been given the feeling that the focus of the conversation was taken off of him, he didn't mind having this conversation so much anymore.

"Sure. He is a pain in the ass sometimes, but yeah in the end I'm glad he's around."

Uhura knew perfectly well that Kirk and McCoy were best friends. The question had been more of an introduction than an actual question.

"Forgive me if you find it inappropriate of me to ask, but I'm trying to help a friend of mine..."

"Sure, a friend of yours," McCoy interrupted in that typical sarcastic tone of his.

Uhura rolled her eyes at it but mostly ignored the remark and continued talking.

"And I would like to know what you think is the most effective way to grasp Kirk's attention for a longer amount of time."

McCoy almost started laughing. Uhura was asking him about dating advice for Jim? Well, that was a good one. Especially because of the only honest answer to this specific question that he could think of.

"Alright, you really wanna know? He likes what he can't get. The longest I've seen him interested in someone was with _you_, back at the Academy, because you absolutely weren't interested in him. He talked about you for months."

A blink of defeat played over Uhura's face. If that was _the_ way, then there was a good chance that Spock stood no chance anymore.

"Any other suggestions? Because it is too late for the 'can't get' part."

McCoy threw his hands up in the air.

"I don't know, okay! I'm a doctor, not a matchmaker," he spoke and got up from the bed, trying to make his way out.

"McCoy, come on! If there is anybody who knows it, it's you."

"But I don't," he said explicitly before walking off.


	4. (S)he

**Author's log:** _Dr. Carol Marcus will have an appearance in this chapter. I must apologize in advance because her characterization will probably be all over the place. I only managed to see her once in Into Darkness and didn't really get a read on her. I also didn't like her very well, but I tried my best not to put her in too negative a light. I feel I more or less succeeded.  
I also feel I need to do some explaining about the way I write. First of all I don't stick to the unwritten rule of this website that italic text is direct thought. With me italic text is for emphasis. This may be direct thought, but it doesn't have to be.  
Secondly, I constantly assume a point of view for my narrative. Therefore my narrative isn't neutral, but colored by the personality and experiences of the person whose point of view I assume. This means that the language use is adapted to them and that the entire narrative is somebody's indirect thoughts. You should probably see it as if the characters are writing about themselves in third person.  
Finally, when something is placed between round brackets (like this) it should be considered a side-thought, by the character. Something that popped up in this person's head, but isn't entirely in line with the general train of thought.  
This chapter was beta'd by R4v3n Kn1ght and_ Daisukino.

* * *

More time had passed since Kirk had been indiscreet with Spock's feelings. With Spock in general, actually. (And 'indiscreet' kind of sounded like an insult, but to be honest so did any word Kirk could think of.) Since then things had relatively stayed the same, yet they had subtly changed. Spock seemed to have grown even more unemotional, distant and cold. Kirk wasn't sure if the others noticed the difference as well. The most substantial change was the way Spock behaved when they were spending time together with no one else around. Before, Kirk could occasionally get something out of Spock -_a slight relaxation of his posture, the hints of a smile_- whereas now Spock had become _completely_ impossible to read.

Kirk himself had mostly spent his time in confusion. Consciously he found he hardly felt any different about Spock compared to how he had felt before the whole '_let's have sex' _ordeal. However that didn't change the fact that Spock's very presence would now sometimes evoke feelings of irritation and anger in Kirk. Feelings that he could simply not explain.

During the days, Kirk found himself to be mostly okay, trying to keep his emotions at bay as best as he could while he had the missions to keep his mind occupied. During the nights however, th1ere were moments that sleep just wouldn't come to him. His mind would then invariably become restless, trying to solve issues the nature of which Kirk wasn't aware.

Tonight was one of those nights. Kirk sat around kind of fidgeting with his PADD, kind of doing nothing at all. He hadn't even bothered getting in bed to attempt to sleep. He just wasn't tired enough and in all honestly he had hoped that his PADD would somehow distract him from having to struggle with guilt and doubt and a whole bunch of emotions he couldn't even properly name.

The door providing entrance to Kirk's quarters beeped, notifying him that there was somebody requesting entrance. He sent the proper command into his PADD, opening the door without thinking about it twice. He turned towards it expectantly.

"Dr. Marcus," he said, slightly surprised at seeing the _sexy_ blond doctor in his doorway.

"Captain," she greeted.

"I'm somewhat surprised to see you here at this hour. Is there an emergency that needs my attention?"

She stepped inside. Shaking her head with a smile she replied, "No, actually I just came by to see if you were still up and if so, keep you company. If you don't mind, of course."

Kirk was now thoroughly surprised. He and Dr. Marcus hadn't really talked much since she'd come aboard and as a rule most crew members were too intimidated to visit him _in his quarters_,_ late at night, just to keep him company_. Though of course when they knew him a little better they knew they didn't need to feel that way. Perhaps Bones had been blabbing about Kirk's ways to Dr. Marcus. The two of them seemed to get along.

"Er, no, I don't mind."

She walked past him and sat herself down with confidence. Kirk couldn't help but notice how far her skirt crawled up as a result of that. Damn those Starfleet dresses!

Kirk let his eyes wander through the room for a moment, to find something to distract his gaze. However, when Kirk's attention was stirred by a female in _that kinda way_, there just wasn't anything else that was interesting enough to focus his eyes on for an extended amount of time. Whether or not he actually wanted to act upon his desire wasn't even relevant to this principle.

He then forced himself to look back at Dr. Marcus, _at her face_, and to give her a friendly smile. He could do this. It would be too pathetic if he was going to be a slave to his desires when he didn't want to.

"You seem tense," she commented. She leaned forward and her eyes, slowly, very slowly, inspected his body. "In fact you've seemed tense for a while now."

"I'm fine," he told her. Of course he hadn't missed the sexual innuendo in her voice and admittedly it was hard for him not to respond to it. The only thing that prevented him from doing just that, _responding to it_, was that he somehow felt that he shouldn't.

"I don't think you are, Captain," she retorted. Then she lifted herself from her seat and came to sit right next to him.

Kirk bit his lip to hold himself in check. The flirtation, the proximity, _her looks_, it was bad. And as if all that wasn't enough, she placed a hand on his thigh.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" It was more the confusion about why he felt that he shouldn't go for it, than an actual discomfort about being touched, that caused uncertainty to be evident in his voice.

"What do you think I'm doing?" Her hand went up a little higher. Not so much that it was invasive, but enough to make her intentions quite clear.

"I... eh..."

"Oh, please don't tell me you hadn't picked up any of my signs?"

He looked at her without saying a word. His mind raced with such speed that it seemed like there were no conscious thoughts in his head.

"Captain Kirk, I've had a thing for you since I met you. Why do you think I chose to change my clothes in that shuttle with you right there? I _knew_ you would look. I wanted you to. And I thought that _you_ would know better than to assume that just because I'm blond and pretty, I'd be too stupid to devise something like that. After all, I do believe people have made that mistake about you."

"Someone with your credentials couldn't possibly be stupid," he replied, somewhat absentmindedly.

She lifted her other hand, the one that wasn't on Kirk's leg creating a huge distraction, and let the fingers of it curl to the hairs on the back of his head. It felt too nice. Kirk let out a sigh and leaned into the touch. Maybe it was okay. Maybe he could let himself drown in the sensations, and not think about the complex feelings pestering him, about the guilt.

"Mmm, your friend managed to pick up on it though," Carol near-whispered. She was busy repositioning herself again, thinking to have received the green light. Slowly she was spreading herself over his lap. One leg aside each side of Kirk's body. The dress crawling almost all the way up now, in order to allow her legs to part that far. She chuckled.

"Who would have thought that a Vulcan would pick up on that sort of thing, before the great casanova James Tiberius Kirk did."

That immediately snapped Kirk out whatever sort of mood had begun to grow. _Spock._

"What!?" Kirk demanded, pushing her away a little. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, the day that we met in the shuttle and I went to sit beside you? Your First Officer seemed to have picked up on my feelings and I don't think he liked me very much."

Kirk remembered. Spock had given Carol something close to a death glare back then and had insisted that her presence aboard the Enterprise was redundant. At the time, Kirk had thought that Spock behaved that way because her presence had interrupted the argument they were having. Once engaged in an argument, Spock always seemed to have difficulties letting go until he had convinced the other, usually Kirk, of his being right. Yet, now that Kirk thought back to it...

Carol pressed her lips to his, and my god, they felt so nice and soft. His hand caressed one of her legs, steadily crawling upward.

_ Yet, now thinking back to it_, his line of thought re-initiated itself. The way Spock had reacted, had not only been annoyed, it had been _possessive_. Could it have been that Spock...? …All along?

Kirk grabbed Carol firmly by her upper arms and pulled her back.

"This is a bad idea," he stated.

"You don't have to be afraid. I won't let this affect our working relationship."

"That's not it," he replied. She was playfully squirming to get out of his grip. "Carol, would you listen to me for a moment here?"

She stayed still and locked eyes with Kirk.

"I... What do you expect from me?" he asked her, staring at her in a way that pleaded for truth.

"I hoped for some great sex, maybe more than once. But if you don't want to, then I must respect that."

"I do, want that. I have to fight hard to resist, believe me. But I... you... it no longer feels okay to do that. To just use someone like that."

Carol removed herself from his lap and straightened her dress. She went to sit next to him again. Blue eyes met blue eyes.

"I'm quite familiar with your reputation, Jim. I didn't expect for any sort of romance to start between us. I'm fine with it being just sex. Being someone's girlfriend is a demanding job anyway, and the job I already have here on the Enterprise is quite enough for me at the moment."

Kirk shook his head. He wished that little speech would have removed his troubles. He wished that those words would have made it feel okay, but they hadn't.

"That doesn't change the fact that you are a person," Kirk replied. "I've already used too many people to get me off just to show them the door afterwards. You deserve to be treated with more respect than that; they deserved to be treated with more respect than that."

"What caused this sudden change of perspective?"

Carol stared at him intensely. Kirk didn't reply. He just stared at nothing in specific while a sad expression took over his face.

"Do you think that you maybe have feelings for someone?" she asked after a long silence. "Is that it?"

"I've hurt someone important to me," he replied, ignoring the question.

"Do you want to talk about it? What happened?"

Silence filled the room for the longest moment. Carol tried to see if she could read anything from Kirk's face. It appeared to her that he wasn't much of a guy to talk about his feelings, but that didn't mean that it wouldn't do him some good. He hadn't given her a definite no and he hadn't sent her away. So she decided that it she should try to push it a little bit further.

"This person, did you sleep with her?"

Kirk nodded.

"And then she wanted more, but you didn't?"

Kirk nodded again.

"And you feel bad about it, because," Carol paused a moment to think, "she's been a close friend for a long time?"

"Yes, something like it," Kirk replied without looking at Carol. "I just..."

Kirk stopped again for a long pause and Carol gave him the time he needed. She waited as he sighed, closed his eyes, opened them again, shook his head and sighed again.

"It's not the first time that I've hurt people this way. Friends too. It hasn't really been a problem before, but now I can't shake it off. The guilt and the regret and it just... it gives me all these feelings that I don't understand. But maybe it's just that now that I've become captain of a starship and I'm learning how to deal with that responsibility, that I'm becoming more responsible in general? Like I've never really grown up until now?"

Kirk looked at Carol for some kind of approval. For her to... tell him it was going to be okay. Realizing that that was what he was seeking from her, it caused a tingling sensation as if a limb that had fallen asleep finally came back to life. As a kid he had often longed for someone to tell him it was going to be okay, and with both real parents absent, he had only had his older brother to occasionally do that for him. Then when he had left, Kirk had felt himself forced to find other ways to deal with his feelings. And he had, starting with driving that antique car off the cliff.

"I think that is definitely a part of it, yes," she said and gave him a warm smile. He gave her a thankful smile back. Yes, he was just growing up, that was it. That was why he had been so bothered by the issue. It made him feel much better to settle on that.

"May I ask you something else though? And you don't have to answer if you really don't want to," Carol continued.

Kirk frowned for a moment. What was to come now? Slowly he nodded his consent.

"When was the last time that you were actually in love with someone? Romantically involved?"

Carol was entirely convinced that her earlier theory wasn't correct. She had seen it before, more than once, that no matter how much of a playboy a guy was, he could be turned around completely if he fell in love for real. And with the way Kirk had been talking about how it didn't feel right to 'use' people anymore and that everyone deserved more respect than that, it did sound like your typical case of 'changed by love'.

Kirk swallowed hard at her question. This was not something he was fond of talking about. It made him feel oddly embarrassed to talk about how he hadn't been really romantically involved with anybody for, well, over half a decade?

"Not for a long time," he said almost inaudibly.

"Do you remember what it felt like, when you first fell in love back then?" she asked, cautiously.

Kirk thought for a moment. He remembered that she had mattered to him a lot, and that he had wanted to make sure she was happy and that he wanted to treat her with respect. But he didn't remember what _falling in love felt like_. So he slowly shook his head.

"Okay, well, I'm not saying that you are, but have you considered that you might be in love now?"

Kirk jumped up from the couch as if burned.

"Don't say that!" he yelled at her. "I can't be _in love_!"

"Why is that? What's wrong with being in love?" Carol asked. She tried her best to put compassion in her voice instead of challenge.

"Because," Kirk sneered, "we can't be together. It won't work. It can't. Everything will go to shit."

Carol's eyes widened. She was taken aback for a moment, though she was determined not to let this rest so easily. She wasn't a shrink, but she had a feeling that Kirk's seeming tenseness lately might be connected to this. Moreover, she felt that it might be solved if he wouldn't allow his fears to stand in the way of pursuing happiness.

"What makes you think you can't be with her?"

"You wanna know why?" Kirk asked in that near-hysterical mock-tone that people sometimes tended to use when they were upset. "Well, let's see, first of all, because it's not a _her_!"

"Jim, Humanity has long ago abandoned the primitive mindset that there's something wrong with same-sex relationships," she replied instantly. "I think the crew won't have any trouble with it. And even if they do, you're their captain, they're just going to have to accept it."

But while she was talking a realization came to her. It seemed almost obvious suddenly, but she sure did hope she was wrong. If not, Kirk's comments about how they couldn't be together, might ring more true than she had first guessed.

"It's Spock, isn't it?" she asked, almost inaudibly.

[o]

The water streamed over Kirk's body. It was warm, too warm. So he turned it colder yet again, as he feared he would just melt or something if he didn't. (_Illogical_, Spock would have said.)

His hand moved quickly back and forth. It was almost unbelievable that his little friend had continued its presence even after it had become clear that nothing would happen between him and Carol. That it had stayed around all the while through their awkward, kinda too sentimental for his taste, conversation about his supposed love interest.

But, oh, why hadn't he tried pursuing her before? She was hot, pretty, sweet, smart. The time he had briefly seen her in her underwear had convinced him she was well-rounded in all the right places and _that_ would definitely feel good under his touch. He had fantasized about her before. Hell, he had even, accidentally, shared a fantasy with Spock.

_ Spock._

Spock who had so much strength concealed in his lean frame. It was obvious from the time Spock had had that death grip on his throat that he could end Kirk easily if he wished to. There was something exciting about that, wasn't there? To have a lover like that. If Kirk could get him to loosen up in the bedroom, the things they could do would be... And that mind meld thing that Spock had done, nevermind it was wrong that it happened, was overwhelmingly wonderful. Kirk tried to recall how it had felt, when both their bodies and minds had connected.

He realized that he couldn't completely call back the feeling, but just attempting to do it, sent him into bliss.

When he came down from the high, he rested his head against the wall in defeat. He sent his fist into the wall with quite some force. It hurt, _bad_. He paid it no attention however, instead choosing to let his arm slump down next to his body limply.

What the hell!? Why was he thinking about what he and Spock could achieve together sexually? Why had he been thinking about what it would be like to have Spock as a _lover_? There was no lying to himself that the word hadn't popped up in his head meaning the prolonged relationship kinda lover. But it was stupid, because he was _not_ in love with Spock.

Carol had just put that idea in his head by suggesting he might. That must be it. He loved Spock, and he loved Bones too, and he had desired Spock, but that was not the same as being in love with Spock.

It wouldn't make sense anyway.

Firstly, he didn't really wish to be in a relationship with anyone. He wouldn't be good at it, he had no idea how these things worked. He knew how to charm people into bed, he knew how to charm people in general. But to make it last, to make a relationship beyond friendship last, more than just charm was required. He could guess that much. Besides, he doubted he would be able to make the commitment. Especially to a man. He would miss the delicate shape that was called _female_.

Secondly, Spock was a great officer, and a loyal friend, but that didn't mean that Kirk could handle having him as a boyfriend. _(Boyfriend_, the very word sounded weird, especially in relation to Spock.) For the things that they quarreled over now, would be magnified if they would be even more intimate together. No matter that Spock had shown good will by showing up in Kirk's quarters with his box full of romance the next time they'd met privately. No matter that Uhura must have at least informed Spock about certain things. There was just a rather large variety of things that would never happen with Spock. If Kirk were to tie himself to anyone, wouldn't it be a better choice to at least find someone who could give him _all_?

Then finally, but most importantly, there was a decent chance Starfleet would not approve. It was okay for crewmembers to be romantically involved with each other. Sending a group of people into the exclusion of space together, it was even unavoidable. Though when it came down to bridge officers, to the senior staff, Starfleet would stick their nose in it and monitor the relationship. If it was threatening to compromise people's ability to do their jobs as they should, Starfleet would make it their business.

But Kirk wasn't even just that, senior staff, he was _the captain_. It was no secret that Starfleet seriously preferred for a captain to keep his or her romantic relations off the ship. And then Spock was his second in command. You didn't need to be an expert in anything to see that a relationship between the captain and the first officer could seriously compromise the decision-making process of the command team. And even though Starfleet couldn't directly forbid them to be involved, they could definitely make it very difficult for them.

There were rumors that a large part of the reason why Uhura and Spock had split up, was that they wanted to prevent one of them, or both, from having to get a transfer because their involvement was compromising their professional performance.

Kirk thought back to the moment when he had been demoted from his rank as captain of the Enterprise and Spock was supposed to be transferred to another ship. That hadn't felt good. And it was a possibility that such would happen as soon as Starfleet would hear of their being together. No, that was unacceptable. Spock was his friend and damn good at his job. He wanted to keep him around. So there, that settled it. No romantic feelings.

Though every bit along the way of Kirk trying to construct a good plea to himself about why he was not in love with Spock, countless counter-arguments sprang up in his mind. He tried not to acknowledge them, but the fact that he remained to look like a sad lump of man leaning against his shower wall, proved that he was very much aware of them.

After a while Kirk dragged himself out of the shower. He got himself a towel, which was then left on the floor after he had somewhat dried himself off. His feet carried him out of the bathroom area and when he reached his bed, he dropped gracelessly into it. Exhausted.

[o]

The next day Kirk sat in his Captain's chair on the bridge, wearing his confident smile. After having hit a low, a new clarity had come to him. He was going to leave any bad feelings in his quarters and he was going to stop acting annoyed around Spock. Spock didn't deserve that, no matter how unaffected he acted.

During that same day, Dr. Marcus saw Commander Spock pass by and flashed him a friendly smile combined with what she intended to be an encouraging nod. The response Spock showed was exactly _none at all_.

* * *

Author's log, additional: _I'm terribly sorry if the almost-het scared you. I would probably have been if I had been reading this instead of writing it. Also, unless this story takes hijacks the ship again and goes places on its own, there should be one more chapter of... whatever it is that's been going on, before there will be some real Kirk/Spock progress._


	5. A Choice Was Made

_**Author's log:**__ Stardate-way-too-late, I am very sorry that this chapter took me so long. Attending university was much more intense than I anticipated and so there was little time left for me to write. I cannot garantuee that this won't repeat itself in the future. But do not fear! I have not resigned my duties to this ship(_hah!_), nor do I intend to as I still see the space up ahead. For now I hope that the lengtiness of this chapter will compensate for some of the waiting time._

* * *

Uhura noticed Spock crossing a corner and now walking in the direction she had come from. She sped up her pace a bit to make the moment they'd cross ways come sooner.

Spock was going to pass her by with only a slight nod to acknowledge her. For Spock such a thing was a perfectly fine way to greet even a life-long friend. However, for Uhura it wasn't enough. Not that day. Not when she had something to tell that mattered.

She went to stand in his path and halted him with a hand held out in front of his chest, but not quite touching him.

"Lieutenant Uhura, I have duties to tend to. What purpose is this to serve?" Spock informed her.

"Spock," Uhura smiled, "I merely wanted to ask if perhaps you are interested in playing a match of 3D-chess with me tonight?"

Spock stared at her. In all the while they had been together, Uhura had never had much interest in playing chess with him. Sometimes she would humor him and play or, in an even rarer case, allow him to lecture her about how she could improve her strategy. Fact remained however that her skills were not developed enough for her to be a very satisfying opponent for Spock. This hadn't really been a problem to Spock, it simply wasn't her game and they had other ways to spend their time together. Activities that Spock and Uhura had enjoyed doing were playing language-related games and exchanging knowledge about their own as well as other planets' cultures. They also enjoyed partaking in musical activities together. At first Spock would play the Vulcan harp and Uhura would sing. Later on he started teaching her how to play the instrument and then she'd insisted he would attempt singing. To be honest though, his 'singing' had never developed to be much more than a low humming. Nevertheless Uhura had consistently told him that it was pleasant to hear.

However, that still didn't answer the question: If they had hardly ever played chess when they were a couple, was it logical that she had gained such an interest in it that she would suggest it herself? Or was there perhaps an 'ulterior motive'?

Spock systematically scanned his mind for other memories related to this that might be helpful. Once before he had considered that for a Human to suggest playing chess with him might hold another meaning. He had thought about this the first time Kirk had invited him to play chess again after they had... been intimate together. Though Spock had thought the hidden suggestion had been something other than what had happened, they hadn't actually played chess that night. They had conversed. They had expressed to each other how their regard for each other had changed after what had happened, and what they thought would happen with them now. This turned out to be a most helpful thought.

"Nyota, if you only wish to discuss some private matters with me it would be more logical to simply ask if I am open for that this evening."  
Uhura smiled. In their time together she and Spock had managed to find ways to communicate better with each other, but for Spock this was absolutely spectacular.

"Yes, indeed. Would you be open for that tonight?" she asked.

&N&

"Bones!" Kirk called cheerily to his friend upon entering sick bay.

McCoy was cleaning up some of the stuff that he had lying around so that after that he could make it to his bed. He was looking forward to that, to spend a decent amount of quality time with his bed. Well, decent? A good six hours, _if he was lucky_.

"Oh, there's Trouble walking through the door," he replied without looking up to see who it was. After all, there was only one person who called him 'Bones'.

"Why do you always act as if you hate me?" Kirk pouted.

McCoy paused his actions and looked Kirk in the eye now.

"Look, it's just been a long day for me. I'm through and I intend to get some sleep before the next artificial day starts way too early tomorrow."

"Fair enough," Kirk said. He reached into the brown paper bag he had been holding and pulled out the neck of a liquor bottle. "But I brought some leverage to get you to act like a good friend for a moment." Kirk gave McCoy a questioning, somewhat pleading, look.

"Alright, you can sulk about your feelings to me while we drink some. But not too much, because we can't afford to be unfocused should a crisis situation decide to pop up."

"Naturally," Kirk grinned.

McCoy picked up a few hypos he still needed to clean up. Kirk glared at him suspiciously, but McCoy gave him a reassuring look and then led Kirk to his office.

"So Jim, tell Mama Bones what's wrong," McCoy said with an eye-roll whilst Jim was taking the first sip of the liquor.

"I think I might need some, eh," Kirk scratched the back of his head, "you know, relationship advice?"

McCoy laughed. Oh, this was precious! "From me? You do realize that I am _divorced_?"

"That still means you got a whole lot further than I ever did," Kirk retorted.

"Well, yeah, buy by that logic you could go ask relationship advice from the hobgoblin."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Kirk replied, looking away.

"No, me neither," McCoy admitted.

Suddenly fierce, Kirk said, "Could you please stop being such a dick about it then?"

McCoy raised his eyebrows at Kirk. It only then registered with him that his 'joking around' wasn't really appreciated by Jim. It didn't happen often, but if it did it was a serious indicator that they were talking about something that put Jim outside his comfort zone. A situation that was to be handled delicately.

Lowering his voice as if he was afraid someone would overhear them, Kirk continued, "This isn't exactly my favorite thing in the world to talk about, okay? I came to you because I trust you."

McCoy nodded slowly. "I didn't know it was such a heavy topic for you," he said, which was about the best and most sincere apology that could be expected from him. "What exactly do you want my advice 'bout then?"

"I think I'm in love, but I'm not even sure."

"What are the symptoms?" McCoy wanted to know. Kirk gave him a 'stop screwing with me'-look. "I _am_ being serious!" McCoy exclaimed at the expression, acting somewhat offended.

"I can't stop thinking about this person, like, at all," Kirk started.

"Jim? No offense, but that doesn't mean much with you. Remember Tricia? You couldn't stop talking about her and her beautiful… God I don't even recall what! And then one night you left with her and the next day you barely even responded to her name."

"Yeah, I know that. With this person I've already been with, though."

"Recently?" McCoy asked, somewhat surprised.

"Yeah."

There was a moment of silence as this information processed with McCoy.

"Was it... good?" he then asked, somewhat reluctantly.

Kirk nodded. "It was great."

"Eh, yeah, okay..." McCoy uttered whilst looking for something better to say.

"There's something else too," Kirk added.

"Which is?"

"Two nights ago," Kirk paused a moment to consider whether or not it was okay to say it was Carol, "someone came to me... pretty much offering herself to me. And I wanted her, I really did. But I turned her down, because it suddenly felt wrong?"

As far as McCoy was concerned, in the world of Jim Kirk this was a phenomenal thing. Though, on the other hand, McCoy did realize that in his head he probably greatly exaggerated his friend's ways with the ladies. Nevertheless, it did make it sound somewhat more likely that Jim was truly serious about this one.

"Who was it?" McCoy asked. He wanted to know because of the fact that Uhura had swung by asking him about Jim a while ago. The things she had said might imply that she was the one that Jim was now concerned about, but they might also imply that she was the late-night-lady. It would be helpful to know which it was.

Kirk sighed. There went his good intentions of keeping it confidential. "It was Carol."

"Carol Marcus?"

"Yes."

"And you denied her?"

"Yes, Bones, I did."

"Phew, that is quite somethin'! I'm not sure I'd be able to do the same."

"I thought you were quite happy being uninvolved, _free like a bird_?"

"Exceptions can be made," McCoy grinned.

"Okay, I wish you all the luck in the world. Can we talk about me again now?"

"We're always talking about you."

"Bones," Kirk said with an eye-roll.

"I got one more question," McCoy said. "Do you think you actually care about this person, or do you think that you'd just like to repeat certain events because they were so good?"

"I am positive I do care about this person," Kirk said. He didn't even need to think about it. Spock had his ways, which could often be totally annoying, but after everything it was hard to imagine having to continue... _all this_ without him. It _hurt _to imagine that. Yet, did that really mean he was in love with Spock?

"You want my diagnosis? I think you are in love," McCoy stated.

Kirk nodded slowly. The relief he had hoped would come from having his friend tell him his opinion, didn't come.

"You don't seem too happy about it?" the doctor questioned.

"It doesn't exactly make things easier. I don't know how to go at this whole relationship thing! And I don't feel I can afford to make many mistakes. There'll certainly be a lot of eyes watching my every move in this and I also don't think that there's really any going back with this person. I have to get it right no matter what."

McCoy rested sympathetic eyes on his friend. Right now, Jim reminded McCoy of the lost boy standing in the bustling hangar bay just before he'd decided to smuggle him onto the Enterprise.

"You know, there are no rules about that you have to act upon these feelings even if you have them. I'd hate for you to have to put this away and wait for it to be over, because I want to see you happy and I think this might be good for you... but if you really don't want to, you don't have to do the relationship thing."

Somewhat taken aback by the unmasked care McCoy was expressing with that statement, Kirk was at a loss for words.

"Waiting for it to be over is what I've been doing for a while now. It doesn't seem to work," Kirk finally replied.

"Could you at least tell me who we're talking about here? Givin' blind advice isn't really the most helpful thing," McCoy wanted to know. Obviously turning Jim either left or right had caused him to draw back, and he didn't want to push him to go either way if he couldn't at least guess if there'd be a minefield up ahead.

"I think that if I reveal the identity of this person, this whole thing is going to blow up in my face. So, no, Bones, I cannot tell you."

"So basically you asking me if it's wise to fly your ship into a certain solar system without tellin' me which one, in all the universe, it is? Come on, you gotta at least give me a hint. Like for example assuming it is someone on this ship, is it someone from the bridge crew?"

"Okay. Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, it is someone from the bridge crew."

A knowing smile came over McCoy's face. He thought he knew now. Yes, it seemed to match right up with some of the things that Uhura had said regarding 'that friend of hers'. Now, this would make it all a lot easier!

"Listen up Jim, I think you're in luck, as a certain someone from the bridge crew came in here a couple days ago asking about relationship advice on _you_. So I think you need to go for it."

"Really?"

"No, I just make it a sport to bullshit you when you're putting your heart on display to me."

Kirk looked at McCoy with a strange expression on his face for a second, as if he was trying to establish whether McCoy was being serious or not.

"Of course I am telling you the truth!" McCoy grumbled as he noticed his sarcasm wasn't as obvious to Kirk as it was to himself.

"So what do I do then?" Kirk asked.

McCoy shook his head. "Honestly, I could tell you what to do, but that is probably a bad idea. The only thing that really works is for you to do what feels right."

"But…" Kirk began and shook his head.

"Jim, you know how to play the knight in shining armor. You've done that a billion times, and you know like no other that you can't keep that fake ideal image up forever. Then when it all comes down crashin' and burnin' that's usually when you get out and leave, but the point here is that this time you want to make it last, is it not? Well, then as clumsy as you may go at it, is the right way to go at it. Because if the other comes to love you even despite all that, then you have a foundation that you can truly build on."

Kirk emptied his glass and smiled. Bringing the booze had really helped to get Bones talking, and the stuff that was coming out of his mouth was good stuff too. It wasn't that Kirk knew all that much more now, but he did feel more confident about the matter. Just do whatever feels right and see where it lands you was his preferred strategy after all, and being told that was the right thing to do felt, well, _good_.

&N&

"Nyota," Spock welcomed her when she arrived at his quarters that night.

"I made you something," Uhura replied enthusiastically whilst handing Spock a large cup. He removed the lid to find a fruit-smoothie inside.

"Your grandmother's recipe?" he asked.

Uhura nodded. Spock was fond of her fruit-smoothies and he hadn't had them since they had split up, because Uhura had never wanted to share the recipe. Spock stared at Uhura and she smiled knowing what he was waiting for. She handed him the straw that she was holding behind her back.

The first time Uhura had made Spock a fruit-smoothie some of it had gotten on Spock's upper lip. Uhura had failed to control her laughter for quite some time and Spock had then refused to drink any more smoothies. To Uhura that was unacceptable, because Spock had admitted to have found the taste of the smoothie pleasant. So eventually she had come up with the idea of giving him a straw, that way the smoothie couldn't spill on his face anymore.

"Thank you," Spock said as he moved to sit down with Uhura.

For a moment Uhura watched Spock drinking the liquid. Because of what she was about to do, she tried to print the image in her memory, fearing she might never get to see it again. Well, better get to it now; waiting around isn't going to make it easier.

"Spock, what would you say if I suggested we get back together, romantically?"

The straw slipped out of Spock's mouth and he stared at Uhura sideways.

"I would say that would be unwise," he replied finally.

"And why would you find it unwise?" she said back defiantly.

"Because previous experience has shown that we aren't a successful match. We aren't compatible."

"Yes, I agree," and this is when Uhura's true intention started shining through. "The question is: why? Have you ever considered that the problem was that I am Human and you are not?"

"I have," Spock said as if it was a perfectly sufficient answer. And of course, to him it was.

"And...?" Uhura asked. Her self-control was slipping. That was not supposed to be part of this! She had come here with the idea of using her and Spock's failed relationship as an argument to why it would be better for Spock not to try and be anything more to Kirk than his friend. Apparently though the topic lay a bit more sensitive with her than she had estimated.

"And I have concluded that this might have been a component of our relationship's dysfunction."

"Yes, so why do you think that this problem won't re-appear with you and Kirk?" She was raising her voice now. _Damn! _She concentrated on her breathing in the hope of getting herself under control again.

"You are assuming that I indeed have intentions to attempt making the captain my partner," Spock spoke in his rather usual way where he made the sentence sound half like a question and half like a statement.

"You do not then?" Uhura retorted.

"I still haven't found a definite answer to that matter."

"Alright, let me give you something to consider then," Uhura spat, temper-control completely failing. "The qualities in me that I know you found especially unfavorable exist in him too. In fact, I think they exist more so in him. _He_ is extremely open and outgoing. _He_ gets destructive when he gets emotional. And in case you haven't heard about his reputation, _let me enlighten you_: compared to him, what you needed to do to keep me satisfied sexually, was nothing!"

Spock could have argued that he himself got destructive too _when_ he got emotional. He could have argued that he had experienced what Jim was like to be with in a sexual way, but that it was unacceptable to discuss their Captain in such a way. Instead though, Spock had something else he chose to say.

"I do not perceive my supposed dislike of those qualities to have been the main cause of the disruption of our relationship. According to my observations the problem lay with that you seemed incapable or unwilling to accept that I identify more as Vulcan than as Human. Whereas I made peace with the fact that you possess certain qualities I might not fully appreciate due to our differences in heritage, you seemed to operate on the idea that you could change about me whatever you considered unsuitable."

"And you seemed unwilling to consider the fact that I am Human and that for example saying such things as you just did hurts my feelings! And that that matters to me!"

Spock averted his eyes. He had actually suspected the words he had uttered wouldn't be appreciated by her. Humans often did seem to take offense in being told what they did wrong. This wasn't logical, as knowing what one did wrong was elementary to improving one's performance. A goal that had no significant disadvantages. Nevertheless he had tried being considerate of 'her feelings', as she had been good to him lately. However it hadn't been the first time the topic had played up and if he hadn't been truthful with Uhura she would most likely have continued to push it in the future. What Spock had said might hurt her now, but at least he didn't let her continue to operate on misguided ideas that seemed to hurt her even more. There was something... _cruel_ in that.

"Surely you know that I am not purposely trying to hurt your feelings," Spock stated.

"But you don't seem to put much effort in trying_ not_ to either and I'm not sure if that's all that much better."

Spock didn't answer. It seemed that his words made no difference. Nyota's emotions clouded her judgment. She was in a negative frame of mind, so whatever he would say would be interpreted as something negative. It would be best for her to just retire to her quarters and regain herself.

"Are you giving me the silent treatment now?" she asked impatiently.

"I believe it would be best for us to abort this conversation for the time being. I suggest you leave now."

"Yeah? Well, fine," Uhura spat and marched out of Spock's quarters. She kept up her firm steps till she had rounded the corner and there she came to a halt. Leaning against the wall for support, she thought about her anger and disappointment. She was angry with Spock and what he had said, because _it had hurt_. But more so she was angry and disappointed with how she had lost control over the conversation. The intention had been to go in there to help Spock realize that it was wise to leave Kirk alone other than having him as a friend and yet she had turned it into a fight about their own issues. Issues that were no longer even relevant as they regarded a relationship that was no longer there, _because of those issues_. One would think that having been together with Spock for a while Uhura would have developed better emotional controls than she had just demonstrated, and because of that, she was disappointed with herself.

Her posture became once again tall and confident as she broke away from the wall. She put on a neutral face and made her way somewhere more private. The least she could do was not having anyone she'd happen to pass by see her walking through the hallways weeping.

&N&

Spock brought out and arranged the objects he needed to properly meditate. There were some things about the conversation with Uhura he had just had that he thought deserved further examination.

He sat down and systematically cleared his mind. Once he had achieved the desired state of calmness and was alone with his mind he started inspecting his internal state. He inspected his body functions, what needs he would be required to tend to in the near future and whether his emotional controls and mental shields were still in place. This was how every meditating session was started. Once all the before-mentioned had been registered, Spock moved on to the intended subject.

Once more he cleared his mind, so that he was left with an empty black canvas inside his mind.

_ 'Interaction with Humans'_. Spock placed the words in the center of the black in a bright blue color. That would be the center of his reflective considerations today. It had been of many more previously, but he felt the exercise would serve its purpose better if he started with a new mind-map today before comparing it to the ones he'd made previously.

Spock's thoughts raced for a moment before he filtered the main point of them into a question: _was my choice to spend my time among Humans instead of Vulcans the right one, and if not, do I wish to correct it now?_ He placed the question underneath the topic in his mind-map. Now then, he should attempt to objectively judge any evidence he had to answer the first half of his question.

The first connection he drew was titled '_Advanced Spock_', which regarded his older self. A specific moment that came to his mind was when the both of them first met. After the destruction of Vulcan, logic had dictated that he should leave Starfleet to help rebuild his species. Yet his older self had told him that he should do what _felt _right, implying that he should stay with Starfleet and let his older self help their people. At that moment he had chosen to continue his duties aboard the Enterprise –because indeed it had felt to be the right place– and continue to _discover_. There had been a certain curiosity in the idea to serve under a captain like James T. Kirk. The very same Captain had later told him that his older self had stressed there was a certain importance in their partner- and friendship. Indeed the captain had said that his older self had almost seemed shocked when he discovered that in this timeline he and his captain's counterparts were not friends. Spock paused there for a moment. His older self found the nature of his relationship to his Captain so self-evident that he had openly displayed emotion at the revelation that in this reality it wasn't the same, whilst his own relationship to his own Captain posed quite a challenge to this Spock. Spock made a mental side-note that it might be an idea to some day attempt discussing this topic with his older counterpart.

Now onto the second connection, which Spock decided was best summarized as _'The Vulcan Science Academy'_. He went back to the day he came before the council and made the spontaneous decision to turn down the Academy after one of the council-members had called his mother a 'disadvantage'. It had been the big finale of a history of his people treating him as a lesser being because of his genetic make-up, even though he continuously went out of his way to prove he was at least as good as they were. Why had he decided to go to Earth then?

It must have been the hope to find acceptance on a planet that was a metropolis for beings from many different planets to come and thrive together. A somewhat egoistical wish to perhaps for the first time in his life be able to considered worthy, to have his capacities be considered exceptional, with a relative ease, must also have played a part. Painful as it was to admit, by seeking to live among those who were considered inferior by his people, he hoped to hide his own repeatedly implied inferiority. Most of all though, he had felt curious about the people of his mother.

If that was what he had hoped to find among Humans, had he succeeded? The answer was easy. Though one distinct memory came forward that seemed to persist on manifesting itself into Spock's consciousness.

He'd recently moved to Earth then. The process of his enlistment in Starfleet had been fully completed and the first year of the schooling program was about to start. As Humans, and many of the other present species, placed a value on 'socializing', a number of introduction activities had been organized both by soon-to-be-cadets as well as by Starfleet itself.

Spock had been encouraged to take part in at least some of them and he had allowed himself to be persuaded to join one of the activities _not_ organized by Starfleet. It had been described to him as 'a night out' at 'a bar'. To his knowledge a bar was a place where people, accompanied by music and drinks that were slightly over-prized, could strengthen their bonds with existing contacts or attempt to make new contacts. The activity seemed inept means to an end, but at the time he felt that he should at least try to understand the Human ways.

Once arrived he first sat down at the object that was the literal 'bar'. He started by ordering a drink which he had thought to be a simple juice. Once having taken a sip though, he had to conclude alcohol had been mixed into it. Though being mostly immune to its effects, the taste of it was entirely displeasing in his mouth. After assessing it wasn't considered problematically rude, he set the drink aside. The volume of the music had been needlessly loud, making any sort of vocal interaction hard to accomplish. Nevertheless, he made a few attempts at conversation with people who came into his vicinity. Quickly he found that none of them were interested in discussing any topics he came up with, or any topic in which he could fabricate any sort of interest.

After a while he had more or less given up participating and repositioned himself to a table in a corner where the music was less overwhelmingly loud. There he sat, simply observing the creatures that seemed to somehow greatly appreciate being at 'the bar'. He was equal parts fascinated and perplexed by their behavior.

"Hey," a male who had apparently slipped onto the seat opposite of him had greeted him. He'd seemed Human at first judgment. His hair had been most illogical. It was made to stand and wave in directions that made it seem like an unskillful artwork. It was mostly black, but decorated with several, for Humans, unnatural hair colors.

"Good evening," he had greeted him back.

"Wanna get out of here? We could go to my place if you like," he'd proposed next.  
Spock had tilted his head slightly to the left. "I do believe I find that idea preferable over lingering here."

Once arrived outside Spock had been grateful that the night air was still reasonably warm, but still a welcome break from the heavy clouded atmosphere inside the bar.

"I am called Spock. Would you be amendable to telling me your name?" he had tried. He had assumed that because Oscar had proposed to leave, he didn't like the bar either. And so, Spock had hoped that consequently his attempts at conversation would be more successful.

Oscar had stared at him with a peculiar look on his face, but eventually smiled and answered, "Of course. My name is Oscar."

"I am pleased to meet you, Oscar," Spock had replied.

"You're not from around here are you?" Oscar had asked. "I mean, no offense but you talk oddly. And those ears, could be surgery, I don't know, but I assume not?"

"I am Vulcan," he had replied matter-of-factly.

Oscar had halted and looked him over, but only momentarily.

"Thought that Vulcans only hung around really formal places and stuff? Never expected to meet my first Vulcan in a bar like this. Well, I guess that there are stereotypes about all species, right?" Oscar had chatted.  
Spock hadn't really replied. He had simply followed after Oscar whilst trying to figure out what was odd about his speech patterns in Standard. The concept of having to employ a very specific style of language-use for each individual situation and how to asses this, was still to this day a serious challenge for him. At the time he had met Oscar, he had not even realized the full complexity of it. He had simply thought that formal language-use was required when one didn't know the other very well, and less-formal language-use was the norm for well-acquainted individuals.'

Then they had stopped so that Oscar could retrieve the Earth motorcycle he had apparently brought, from where it was parked. Oscar had swung his leg over the seat and tapped with his hand on the spot still free behind him as an invitation for Spock to join.

"Come sit," Oscar had clarified.

Spock had remained standing where he was with his arms folded behind his back. He had had no intention to be transported on the motorcycle. In order to remain on it, he would have to be pressed up against Oscar and the contact would be likely to flood him with whatever was on the other's mind. More importantly, Earth motorcycles were rather dangerous vehicles. Any small object on the road or unforeseen danger could cause the motorcycle to fall over, and with the speed they usually achieved the individual, or individuals, on it could get severely hurt. If one would chose to ride a motorcycle despite the dangers, then at least proper effort to reduce them should be taken. It was more than advisable to wear protective clothing and most certainly a helmet. None of that had been at his disposal at the time, so he had been strongly opposed to getting on the vehicle.

"What's it? Are you scared?" Oscar asked when it was noticed by the Human that Spock had been making no efforts to get on.

"As I am Vulcan I do not experience fear as such, but I find riding on this vehicle not to be a risk I wish to take if not necessary."  
Oscar had gotten off.

"Alright, no problem. I don't live that far, we can easily walk it. To be honest I mostly bring this thing to impress people."

"Fascinating. How do the mechanics of that work?" he had inquired.

"The mechanics of that…?" Oscar had stopped there to laugh. Then resumed, "Well, you know, I suppose that because it is somewhat of a 'risk' to ride it, some beings find it thrilling? I don't know actually, I'm no xenopsychologist."

"I find it to be illogical to be attracted to something that is associated with danger."

"Well, welcome to Earth! Things don't make sense down here!"  
"Indeed?"

"Yeah, for example when I needed to fill out my registration forms for Starfleet? I asked them very clearly and specifically if it was okay to fill them out on old-fashioned paper instead of on a PADD, because I prefer it that way. I would have happily just filled them out on a PADD if it was a problem, but they said I could fill them out on paper if I had that resource at my disposal. So I filled out the entire bullcrap…"

Spock had interrupted there, "Pardon me, but I do not see how cow feces are related to the Starfleet Academy registration forms?"

"Heh, you really don't have much experience with this language, do you?"

"I have learned a considerable amount from my mother."

"Okay, I see. No, I don't think your mom would teach you a word like 'bullcrap'. It's just a thing Humans say when they find something nonsensical or stupid."

"Fascinating."

"So, yeah, I filled out the entire bunch of paperwork, sent it in, and then guess what? A week or so later I got contacted about how I couldn't fill that stuff out on paper! And it is called _paper_work! But wait for it, it gets worse! Because I had to fill everything out again, I asked them if they could send me the papers back so that I wouldn't need to sort some of the stuff out _again_. Guess what they told me then? That they couldn't do that because the information on them was confidential! It was my own damn info!"

"It is true that registration forms aren't supposed to be accessed by third parties."

"But I am the first party! Like, without me there'd be no party!"

For a moment his browns had knitted. The statement had been somewhat confusing to him. "I suppose so," he had finally replied.

&N&

After a walk of medium length, they had arrived at where Oscar lived. So far he had enjoyed the company of the young Human male named Oscar. Oscar had sometimes talked in ways he hadn't quite understood, but nevertheless had seemed quite willing to explain things whenever asked.

Oscar had thrown his leather jacket somewhat carelessly over his couch and offered Spock something to drink.

"I do believe a glass of water would be welcome," he had replied.

When Oscar had gotten him the glass of water and himself a bottle of beer, they had sat down on the couch. At that point things had started to get illogical.

First Oscar had sat there staring at him, as if he wanted something from him but for some reason did not ask. Oscar had looked at him as if he desired something from him, but at the time Spock had not for his katra been able to guess what.

"Now, would you like to see my bedroom, mister Spock?" Oscar had finally asked once he had finished his beer.

"If you wish," he had replied. At the time being it had appeared very unusual to him that Oscar had not just asked him such a simple thing immediately.

They went to the bedroom where Oscar had tapped a button and turned on some music.

"Let's get this party started," Oscar had commented, after which he had flopped down on his bed and removed his shirt.

With his hands clasped behind his back Spock had watched this. Of course it could be that the man simply wished to change his outfit or that it was some odd Human ritual unknown to himself?

"If you wish to change your clothes, perhaps I should wait outside?" he had offered. As a Vulcan he had no particular feeling about seeing another's unclothed form, but if at all possible it was considered preferable to give a person in such a state some privacy.

"What, no, you should get over here!" Oscar had laughed, apparently having thought it was some sort of prank. At that point Oscar had also opened his pants.

"May I inform to what purpose?"

"Don't you want some?"

"Some of what?"

"Me?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do _you_ mean?"

"There seems to be some sort of confusion."

"Come on, Spock, it's quite simple, this is the part where we have sex! Which is kind of the whole point of your being here?"

He had taken a step back and undoubtedly his eyes must have widened.

"I apologize, it has never been my intention to engage in such acts."

"What? But I was pretty clear about it… Oh, damn, now that I think about it, with you not getting a lot of stuff, I guess I shoulda seen it coming. Though in my experience pretty much all humanoid beings shared a sense for when they could get laid. Shit!"

"Again, I find it regrettable I was unable to tell you I had no interest in such things immediately," he had said whilst retracting further. "I believe it would be best for me to make my leave now."

"Yeah, I do believe that would indeed be best. You sure as hell have ruined my evening!"  
Oscar had continued on talking, but Spock hadn't clearly registered the words uttered as he had been very quickly pacing out of the apartment feeling quite embarrassed. Meanwhile, of course he had debated with himself about whether or not it was appropriate to allow himself to feel embarrassment over the event that had just passed.

&N&

Spock pulled himself back from the memory, although his mind did still add the fact that whenever he had run into Oscar at the Starfleet Academy afterwards words such as 'dumbass', 'killjoy' and 'Vulcan't' had been hissed at him. At first he had not really understood their meaning, so he had nodded his head in a polite manner in return each time. However after a while he had found out their meaning. They were supposed to be derogating words. All just another form of being targeted the way he had been by his peers back on Vulcan.

This particular incident, Spock concluded, was actually a rather fitting metaphor for his interaction with Humans in general. No matter how he tried, there always seemed to be some sort of hidden trap. He would then express that his intentions had been different, but to no avail. Simply not understanding their mysterious ways was enough of a crime for them to try and push him away or go off on him.  
Though opposed to that, more recently there also had been more successful interactions. There were some more advanced Humans who seemed to genuinely try to accept him as a Vulcan, explain to him the Earth ways and be clear to him about what they meant. However then they too were still Human. They could not be blamed for that, as much as he could not be blamed for being the way he was as a Vulcan. Nevertheless the moments that they went through seemingly unprovoked emotional outbursts, or when there was a miscommunication that resulted in unfortunate situation, were still rather unpleasant. Nyota and Jim were to be placed in this group. _Jim._

The feelings drawn forward by that one simple name were so powerful that they overwhelmed Spock and threw him out of his meditational state. He tried to go back in, call up the empty blackness and then the mindmap as far as he had managed to build it. It was to no avail. Though Spock was not ready to give up just yet. A very important purpose of meditating was to control one's feelings, distance oneself from a perceived issue and dissect it logically. To have one's feelings stand in the way of even entering into the state where that could be done, meant failure.

Anger started to boil up in him as he could not manage to clear the imagines of Jim – of his captain – out of his mind. Ever again those piercing blue eyes looking at him as if he was the most important thing in existence. Ever again the Human's flushed, reddened, flesh. And then a tremendous joy over how well their minds felt together in the meld, followed by a sadness of realizing that he would never be allowed to experience that again. Hands that had previously lain peacefully in his lap were now balling into fists. _This was unacceptable!_

Spock left his meditating position on the floor and went to a small chest on a shelf near his bed. He opened it and took out a pendant hanging from a gold chain. It was a delicate thing, made for a Human female. It had been received by his great-grandmother when she had wed his great-grandfather. After that it had been passed on from mother to daughter, until finally his own mother had given it to him because she never bore any female children. She was gone now. She was the Human part of him.

A choice was made. He placed the piece of jewelry on his desk. As soon as Nyota would show she was no longer so very upset with him, he would give it to her. Then he would say his goodbyes and leave for New Vulcan. He would do his best to find a mate, any that would have him at all, to extinguish the burning fires of pon farr that he feared would soon be upon him after all. He would find an available master and start working to achieve kolinahr. He would try to avoid his older self, but if necessary he would not hesitate to confront him that this was another timeline and that what had been right before was not automatically right again. Then all of this foolishness would be left behind. No more miscommunications, no more unsuccessful attachments, no more pain. Pure logic would be all that would be left.

* * *

_**Author's log Supplemental: **__I have also received concerns from among the crew, that is you guys (_I shoulda never started called these bits 'author's log'... I'm really drifting away with this now)_, about whether Kirk and Spock will ever get together in my story. Even though I feel like author's comments at stories giving this away in advance always spoil the story, with the direction I have taken with this chapter and my uncertainty about when I can update again I do feel I might do myself and everyone a favor by coming clean about this: yes, they will. In the end I very much want this story to become one of love and respect and blurring the edges of your concept of self to become part of an 'us'. However, as Kirk and Spock are such opposing beings, I don't believe such a thing could go without bumps in the road. Another little give-away though: Next chapter will have some __**serious**__ progress. _


End file.
